NKU Fall Concert 2011

Broken Statuette

    Jesse and I just got off the phone. We had an unpleasant conversation to be sure. No hostile words, yelling, or anything of the like. Simply put, I let my emotions get the better of me.
    If you know me at all, you'll know that I'm not an overly emotional person. Hell, I'm not even a regularly emotional person.
    If I were a product being advertised, I'd have about two or three general features that the guy trying to sell me would yell about obnoxiously from the TV. He would shout about my overall happy and willing personality. Then he would practically scream in faux excitement about my ability to become easily irritated, and my even greater ability to reign it in. Finally, as some busty blonde runs her perfectly polished fingernails across me giving her best 'buy this shit' smile to the viewers, the advertiser would seem as if he is having a small seizure while telling everyone how calm and collected I tend to stay. With that, calls from buyers start flooding in... However, I'm not so sure it's not because of the busty blonde.

    What I'm trying to tell you with my rather lengthy and ridiculous metaphor is that there is a whole spectrum of emotions I don't often feel. Or at least I didn't. Once I started dating Jesse though, that all changed. In the past five months, I've felt unutterable happiness, crushing fear, petty jealousy, harmonious contentment. I've laughed uncontrollably from happiness, but I've cried a lot too... At least for me. For a long stretch of my life and for several reasons I won't go into, I allowed myself to feel nothing but rage.
    I was a statue bleeding from the eyes, frozen in time.
    Finally, I allowed myself to move past my problems and be happy. I don't think I would have gotten through my anger how I had without my friends.
    When I began dating Jesse, I started to feel even more and it scared me... A lot.
    The night I finally told Jesse that I loved him, I cried and was barely able to talk. Laugh if you want, but it's not for the reasons you're probably thinking. I wasn't trying to make my life a movie or be melodramatic. Inside me was a struggle between equal parts elation for what I was able to feel for Jesse, and the other, debilitating fear for the very same reason.
    Huh, you ask?
    I was so afraid to trust him. I wasn't entirely sure I knew how. I had always believed that the people that you care for and love the most are also the ones that can cause you the most pain. That is a major reason I never allowed anyone to get too close to me or trust them with any information about myself that is truly important. Even today, I struggle to trust people, but I try.Trust is a house of cards that takes a reliable and steady hand to build.
    But, as you can surely guess, I succumbed and allowed that blossoming warmth of elation and love and trust to win the struggle within. I told Jesse, "I love you." Embarrassingly, I continued to cry while he held me close. Then we went back to Rosie's, where her and Chelsea accused us of being late because we were busy 'doing it', which was funny. They still have no clue.
 

    Today, while Jesse and I talked, I cried and told him how I worry about him often and how I think it is at least part of the reason I feel queasy at times. I know, it sounds crazy. Believe me I know; I hate it, but it's not something I can control. Because of my past, sometimes I think myself immensely stupid about crying and feeling worried or getting upset. I feel like Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde. Dr. J logically tells Mr. H all the reasons he's overreacting and Mr. H feels like a whiny doofus.

But, even after Jesse and I have undesirable conversations that make us both feel a lot of different things, most of the time, I feel better afterwards. I know that, despite all that was said, I was honest and was able to talk to him and vice versa.
    I know I made the right decision in trusting him.
   

Eyebrow Wax of Death

Today I got a fly haircut at Michael's College of Hair Design by a pretty, funny girl named Sadie Teegarden.
She's pretty awesome.
Also, I got my eyebrows waxed. I needed it, but mostly, I did it because I thought it'd be hilarious. So, here it is.

*Take special note of about halfway through the video what one of the girls says about her first eyebrow waxing...It's comical and a tad bit disturbing.*

I Miss You

    Okay, so I know this yet another blog about Jesse.
    I miss him.
    So sue me.

    This was the Jesse's five month farewell to everyone at the airport.

    I love you, boyfriend. I hope things start to get better for you. :)

In The Time You've Been Gone

    How appropriate a title. 

    School is starting up pretty soon and I was just now cleaning out my e-mail. I came across an old e-mail to my friend and at the time, roommate, Rosie, that I sent to her while she was away in Costa Rica, just as Jesse is now. 

    To clear some things up really quickly, Nay-Nay is a demonic feline who pretends that she doesn't eat the souls of children; Robin is Jesse's angel of a mother; and yes, Jesse does call me 'pup'. If that's a problem, I'll bark a lot and most likely, bite you.

     Looking at the e-mail now, as much as many things still hold true, some has changed too; for the better.

   

This is the e-mail:

    

    Dear Rosie,

     First off, I want to say that I'm sorry for taking so long to get a message to you. A lot has happened while you've been gone. Or maybe it hasn't. It feels as if it has though. You've only been gone for what, let me check...9 days? Really? It feels much longer. The apartment is much quieter without you. I don't even know where to start with all that's occurred here at home since you were spirited away. I'll just try to jump right in.
Well, Jesse and I didn't end up going to Savannah, Georgia, which I'm sure means Nay-Nay sits on your bed and rubs her paws together every chance she gets, but that's okay. I've still had a wonderful time with him. We've stayed busy and have really connected. Deeply, I mean. And no, I don't mean sex! Don't even think it, you scoundrel. We've just had some talks, long and sometimes uncomfortable and we've really cleared some things up. He's told me that he will stay true while in Costa Rica and return back to me after. And you know what? I believe him completely. He says it now with a conviction he never had a few weeks ago. He has faith in himself and so do I.  I love him, Rosie. Even as I type that, my eyes tear up a little. It's hard for me to feel this way about anything. In a few months time, Jesse has done so much for me. He's made me feel things I thought I'd forgotten how to. He has shown me human innovation in the things he creates for himself and others and inspires me to want to do and be more. His smile and the knowledge that I get to have breakfast with him is reason enough to get up every morning.  I love him. So much.
     We went to his friend Andrea's art exhibit, part of the exhibit, Lady Parts. It was at the South Gate House and we had a lot of fun. I met his friend Destiny who is slightly kooky, but nice and seems like tons of fun. She talked about Underground Gay Fairies if that gives you any idea. Afterwards we went to Don Pablos and ate outside on the deck over the river. Some fireworks went off over the city and it was beautiful.
A few days later, Jesse and I went to the OUT Film Festival at Carnegie Hall, Kentucky's first ever LGBT film festival. We only got there in time to see two of the films, but they were both very interesting and the second, sad and powerful. Before we left we went into another room that was an exhibit of unbelievable and unbelievably EXPENSIVE kaleidoscopes. They were so incredible. One was called the River Of Life and was bigger than me and you put together! Just to turn it you had to spin a giant hand crank!
This week, Jesse's uncle died. He didn't know him all that well and was still pretty upset, but not for the reasons you would think. He told me that he feels angry and sad that he never got to know his uncle, this person, this family member he never had the chance to know because of his rocky and unfortunate relationship with his dad. Oh, yeah, I met his dad. Talk about stepping into the Twilight Zone. In regards to physical appearance it was as if a Jesse from the future had walked in through his front door. Same hair shape, same exact nose, tall, nice full lips, same face shape and the same intensity in the eyes. They even have the same little crinkle of skin between their right eyebrows and the bridge of their noses when they squint. But that's where the similarities end. Where Jesse is kind and funny, his father seems cold, professional and quietly angry. His eyes are blue as wintry ice.
     Jesse was quite anxious before he left. He was leaving that day, this past Monday, to Marango (Sp), Indiana for the open casket and then staying the night with his father and step-mother to attend the burial Tuesday. He came home after around 6. He had to spend a whole day around not only his dad and step-mom, but his dad's side of the family too, a whole slew of people that were practically strangers to him. I know the feeling.
     It was bizarre having him gone after being with him every day for the past two months. It was if someone had whisked away some part of me. It's unsettling knowing that the only reason I wasn't depressed about his going was that I would see him the next day. The very cause for my pain was also the remedy. But I'm glad for it I guess, because when he came home and I saw him in the living room and then he saw me and said, "Pup!" I had never been happier to see him.
     Speaking of being happy to see people, Jesse and I were both really happy to meet Michael, Robin's boyfriend from Michigan that she met online a few months ago. He's great. The first thing he did when walked in the door was hugged both Jesse and myself. His smile told me he is an overall good guy. He also has a quick wit and is really funny. Not bad looking either. I'm really excited for Robin. After her past boyfriends, Michael is a great catch. Well, regardless of her boyfriends, Michael is STILL a great catch.
     And now, I'm sitting at the apartment by myself and it's quiet and burdensome. Jesse went to Kat's last night and stayed there with her and Andrea so that they could get an early head-start this morning to Charlottesville, Virginia for the LOOK3 Photo Festival. I'm pathetically depressed that he is gone again. He was gone most of Monday and Tuesday, was here for Wednesday, and then left today. He'll be back Sunday. I'm not really depressed that he's gone for three and half days, but more for that each time he leaves, I realize that this is how I'll feel for 5 months while he's gone. I might not worry about infidelity while he's away, but I still worry about him. Will he have fun? Will he pass his classes okay? Will he get enough to eat? How are gays treated in Costa Rica? Will he be treated respectfully and will he be safe? And then there is the simple fact that I will miss him... Unbelievably so. His soft lips and warm skin. His laugh and all of his crazy dreams he tells me while I'm half-awake. I couldn't appreciate and love those things more.

     But despite all of those feelings, I'm somehow at the same time elated for him. He's going to this photo festival with two close friends he hasn't gotten to spend much time with. He's going to have lots of fun and be happy. I'm excited to hear about all he sees. And the same goes for Costa Rica. Just like you, he's going to get to see a new and incredible culture. He'll eat new foods and speak a new language and make new friends and I couldn't be happier for him. I really mean that. He deserves it and has worked so hard to accomplish what he has. He even got a Gilman Scholarship, a rare and hefty scholarship that all the financial advisors told him he wouldn't get because nearly no one gets it and if they do, they're a minority. He's going to get to do some much and I'm really happy for him. I hope that someday, we can both accomplish much together and for ourselves and for each other.

That's as much as I can remember and what I feel at the moment, Rosie. The animals and plants are all doing well (Nay misses you a lot though. She cries a lot), the apartment's a bit messy, but I'm going to clean it tonight. The Insight bill is in for 70.01 and I have the money. It's not due until the 24th and since you'll be back the 22nd, I figured I could give you the cash and it could come straight from you account instead of mailing it if that's cool. The utility bill still hasn't gotten here. Oh, speaking of bills, you got a little letter saying you made the Dean's List. Congrats, Rosie! :) Chelsea bought the third season of True Blood, so you better catch a red-eye home! :)
I'm about to head to Rammi's to get my FAFSA started, but e-mail me back!! Tell me all about your stay so far! What does it look like? How are the people? Are the classes difficult? Have you gone to the beach yet? Have you made any new friends I hope? What's the tastiest thing you've eaten so far?
Tell me, tell me, tell me!

With all the love a roommate and small fluffy cat can muster,
Dakota and Nay

P.S. This was supposed to have sent the ninth. Weird.

   

Vesuvius Love

    A striking thought came to me today. It raises a question that may not be particularly important, but still curious all the same.
    Before Jesse left for Costa Rica we had many discussions on our relationship, many of them neither fun, or comfortable. We both had different fears and concerns. The most prominent of mine was that of fidelity, faithfulness.
    Before you start developing any of your own ideas on Jesse's moral character, stop. The fears were not founded in anything so dramatic as him cheating on me or being generally untrustworthy. A lot of it was unfounded and baseless, or concerns about some kind of inebriated hookup while he was abroad because, well, Jesse's pretty and he does love a glass of wine on occasion... or a few. The main thought that my fears always perched upon and scoffed at me from was that Jesse cheated on his first boyfriend, nearly four years ago.
    That was a long time ago and Jesse is a different person than he was when he took those first steps into college life. I now realize it's not a fear based on any real ground, and not fair to hold someone accountable in the present of something they may have done in their past. (Except maybe murder or something... Shut up, and don't try to play Devil's Advocate with me; just read my damn blog).
    We talked the subject to death while we were in New Orleans. There was quite a bit of tension between us, on and off. We finally worked out a sort of armistice with our relationship fears and agreed to trust one another. We said that we would be honest with one another and I could tell he meant it.
    What else can a guy ask for?
    About four days into his trip to Costa Rica, he told me that he briefly talked to a guy he was pretty sure was gay, just some guy from another international group. Fine, right? Well, he told me that the guy reminded him of his first boyfriend, in mannerism and speech. He told me it was a short and insignificant exchange.
     Surprisingly, I was angry.
     I'm calm and pretty rational very nearly all of the time. In this specific instance though, I barely contained all of the things that were warring with one another inside of me: Raging anger, a self-consciousness little boy, a desperate hopelessness, a weary sadness, a bleating little voice of accusation, and underneath it all, deep admonishment for feeling all of those things in the first place.
    I now know, that for Jesse, it was merely something he was telling me about to make me feel a confidence in him, a shining example of his ability to handle a potentially undesirable situation. It was the perfect chance to show me that he could trust me. At the time though, I didn't see it with the clarity I do now. Instead, I cried and he had to reassure me that it was nothing- Everything was fine.
    Although, it doesn't excuse my feelings, in my defense, I was having a bad week.

    Nearly four weeks Jesse's been gone now and since that night, I've not felt any of those things. Something has illuminated inside of me and made me light in step and mind. I know now that Jesse will return in four months and we will be together again. I have nothing to fear.
    Today, as Jesse and I were talking over Skype, I heard a voice interrupt him and have a quick, minute or so exchange with him. Jesse told him that he was talking to me, his boyfriend. The guy sounded surprised. At first I thought it was someone from his international group, but quickly guessed otherwise. It was the guy from before.
     And you know what? I don't mind. It doesn't bother me the way it did before, or give me nightmares, or make me feel nauseous. Sure, it's not an ideal situation, and I definitely would not have liked if the guy had been flirting with Jesse, but not because I distrust Jesse. Merely, who likes it when a stranger flirts with your boyfriend or girlfriend, am I right?
    But this time, I had to reassure Jesse, not the other way around. I had to tell him that I trust him and that he needs to believe that to be true. Once we moved past his worries, we talked about other things like Furbies, ants, and our classes and what we will share with each other from them when we next see one another. It was wonderful, that surety and feeling of contentment. Like I said before, I feel light.

    I say all of this to lead up to the thought that I've pondered on today: As quickly and easily as you could say 'Banana Nut Muffin' I could go out and cheat and do whatever I wish, with whomever I wish... Well, with a lot of people at least.
    But I won't.
    And Jesse knows that. 
    But more than that, he knows it and always has. He knows it like he knows that breathing is vital to living, or that the sky is blue. The issue of my fidelity, from the very beginning, is a topic that has never been questioned, never brought into accusation, and has never been worried about.
     He has simply, unquestionably, trusted me without a second thought.

    However, it took me a long time to reach that feeling of contentment and confidence. 
    So, what does that say about me? And him? Maybe even both of us.
    Am I really so good that Jesse and everyone else can trust me so unfalteringly?
    It wasn't fair to him that he has so much faith in me and I was always plagued with doubts and worries.

    For someone that feels that many people trust me, I in turn don't trust others willingly or easily.
    And maybe that should change.

    I've heard many people say, my eldest brother included, that, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
    You know what I say? That's bullshit.
    People can change and grow and love. Jesse's proof of that.
    He has loved me and has trusted me from Day 1 with Vesuvius love. He's given me his all.

A Sunset To You, Love, From Across Space and Time...Also, A Special Note