In The Time You've Been Gone

    How appropriate a title. 

    School is starting up pretty soon and I was just now cleaning out my e-mail. I came across an old e-mail to my friend and at the time, roommate, Rosie, that I sent to her while she was away in Costa Rica, just as Jesse is now. 

    To clear some things up really quickly, Nay-Nay is a demonic feline who pretends that she doesn't eat the souls of children; Robin is Jesse's angel of a mother; and yes, Jesse does call me 'pup'. If that's a problem, I'll bark a lot and most likely, bite you.

     Looking at the e-mail now, as much as many things still hold true, some has changed too; for the better.

   

This is the e-mail:

    

    Dear Rosie,

     First off, I want to say that I'm sorry for taking so long to get a message to you. A lot has happened while you've been gone. Or maybe it hasn't. It feels as if it has though. You've only been gone for what, let me check...9 days? Really? It feels much longer. The apartment is much quieter without you. I don't even know where to start with all that's occurred here at home since you were spirited away. I'll just try to jump right in.
Well, Jesse and I didn't end up going to Savannah, Georgia, which I'm sure means Nay-Nay sits on your bed and rubs her paws together every chance she gets, but that's okay. I've still had a wonderful time with him. We've stayed busy and have really connected. Deeply, I mean. And no, I don't mean sex! Don't even think it, you scoundrel. We've just had some talks, long and sometimes uncomfortable and we've really cleared some things up. He's told me that he will stay true while in Costa Rica and return back to me after. And you know what? I believe him completely. He says it now with a conviction he never had a few weeks ago. He has faith in himself and so do I.  I love him, Rosie. Even as I type that, my eyes tear up a little. It's hard for me to feel this way about anything. In a few months time, Jesse has done so much for me. He's made me feel things I thought I'd forgotten how to. He has shown me human innovation in the things he creates for himself and others and inspires me to want to do and be more. His smile and the knowledge that I get to have breakfast with him is reason enough to get up every morning.  I love him. So much.
     We went to his friend Andrea's art exhibit, part of the exhibit, Lady Parts. It was at the South Gate House and we had a lot of fun. I met his friend Destiny who is slightly kooky, but nice and seems like tons of fun. She talked about Underground Gay Fairies if that gives you any idea. Afterwards we went to Don Pablos and ate outside on the deck over the river. Some fireworks went off over the city and it was beautiful.
A few days later, Jesse and I went to the OUT Film Festival at Carnegie Hall, Kentucky's first ever LGBT film festival. We only got there in time to see two of the films, but they were both very interesting and the second, sad and powerful. Before we left we went into another room that was an exhibit of unbelievable and unbelievably EXPENSIVE kaleidoscopes. They were so incredible. One was called the River Of Life and was bigger than me and you put together! Just to turn it you had to spin a giant hand crank!
This week, Jesse's uncle died. He didn't know him all that well and was still pretty upset, but not for the reasons you would think. He told me that he feels angry and sad that he never got to know his uncle, this person, this family member he never had the chance to know because of his rocky and unfortunate relationship with his dad. Oh, yeah, I met his dad. Talk about stepping into the Twilight Zone. In regards to physical appearance it was as if a Jesse from the future had walked in through his front door. Same hair shape, same exact nose, tall, nice full lips, same face shape and the same intensity in the eyes. They even have the same little crinkle of skin between their right eyebrows and the bridge of their noses when they squint. But that's where the similarities end. Where Jesse is kind and funny, his father seems cold, professional and quietly angry. His eyes are blue as wintry ice.
     Jesse was quite anxious before he left. He was leaving that day, this past Monday, to Marango (Sp), Indiana for the open casket and then staying the night with his father and step-mother to attend the burial Tuesday. He came home after around 6. He had to spend a whole day around not only his dad and step-mom, but his dad's side of the family too, a whole slew of people that were practically strangers to him. I know the feeling.
     It was bizarre having him gone after being with him every day for the past two months. It was if someone had whisked away some part of me. It's unsettling knowing that the only reason I wasn't depressed about his going was that I would see him the next day. The very cause for my pain was also the remedy. But I'm glad for it I guess, because when he came home and I saw him in the living room and then he saw me and said, "Pup!" I had never been happier to see him.
     Speaking of being happy to see people, Jesse and I were both really happy to meet Michael, Robin's boyfriend from Michigan that she met online a few months ago. He's great. The first thing he did when walked in the door was hugged both Jesse and myself. His smile told me he is an overall good guy. He also has a quick wit and is really funny. Not bad looking either. I'm really excited for Robin. After her past boyfriends, Michael is a great catch. Well, regardless of her boyfriends, Michael is STILL a great catch.
     And now, I'm sitting at the apartment by myself and it's quiet and burdensome. Jesse went to Kat's last night and stayed there with her and Andrea so that they could get an early head-start this morning to Charlottesville, Virginia for the LOOK3 Photo Festival. I'm pathetically depressed that he is gone again. He was gone most of Monday and Tuesday, was here for Wednesday, and then left today. He'll be back Sunday. I'm not really depressed that he's gone for three and half days, but more for that each time he leaves, I realize that this is how I'll feel for 5 months while he's gone. I might not worry about infidelity while he's away, but I still worry about him. Will he have fun? Will he pass his classes okay? Will he get enough to eat? How are gays treated in Costa Rica? Will he be treated respectfully and will he be safe? And then there is the simple fact that I will miss him... Unbelievably so. His soft lips and warm skin. His laugh and all of his crazy dreams he tells me while I'm half-awake. I couldn't appreciate and love those things more.

     But despite all of those feelings, I'm somehow at the same time elated for him. He's going to this photo festival with two close friends he hasn't gotten to spend much time with. He's going to have lots of fun and be happy. I'm excited to hear about all he sees. And the same goes for Costa Rica. Just like you, he's going to get to see a new and incredible culture. He'll eat new foods and speak a new language and make new friends and I couldn't be happier for him. I really mean that. He deserves it and has worked so hard to accomplish what he has. He even got a Gilman Scholarship, a rare and hefty scholarship that all the financial advisors told him he wouldn't get because nearly no one gets it and if they do, they're a minority. He's going to get to do some much and I'm really happy for him. I hope that someday, we can both accomplish much together and for ourselves and for each other.

That's as much as I can remember and what I feel at the moment, Rosie. The animals and plants are all doing well (Nay misses you a lot though. She cries a lot), the apartment's a bit messy, but I'm going to clean it tonight. The Insight bill is in for 70.01 and I have the money. It's not due until the 24th and since you'll be back the 22nd, I figured I could give you the cash and it could come straight from you account instead of mailing it if that's cool. The utility bill still hasn't gotten here. Oh, speaking of bills, you got a little letter saying you made the Dean's List. Congrats, Rosie! :) Chelsea bought the third season of True Blood, so you better catch a red-eye home! :)
I'm about to head to Rammi's to get my FAFSA started, but e-mail me back!! Tell me all about your stay so far! What does it look like? How are the people? Are the classes difficult? Have you gone to the beach yet? Have you made any new friends I hope? What's the tastiest thing you've eaten so far?
Tell me, tell me, tell me!

With all the love a roommate and small fluffy cat can muster,
Dakota and Nay

P.S. This was supposed to have sent the ninth. Weird.

   

A Temporary Loss; a Permanent One

Life can be so very complicated.

You're looking at a 'textbook case' kind of guy. 

Me. 

Sometimes the best way to straighten out the mess in your head is to go back and replay it, one step at a time. 

And at times, that can be difficult. 

Less than a week ago, a hazy lifetime ago, is the point in which someone pulled a bag over my head, spun me round and round in circles, and then released me to stumble along and find my way. 

The 16th, to be exact. 

I know, I know; how can one life be so dramatically altered in 5 days? 

Well, let's open up our copies of Cookbook for Whiners and just see if we can't find a recipe worth sulking over. 

First, you'll need to pre-bake your casserole a few weeks in advance with generous portions of anxiety and fear over the 5 month long departure of your boyfriend to Costa Rica, a new and far away location. 

Second, on the day of departure, add bittersweet tears and long goodbyes.

Third, add a pinch of desperation each day for probably weeks, waiting for a phone call each night.

Fourth, and lastly, toss in lots and lots of grief, despair, and agonizing pain over the death of your two year old nephew the day after one of the most key people in your life to lean on has flown thousands of miles away. 

Success, now you're cookin'! 

You'll be an emotional wreck in no time! 

These past five days have been a blur. Part of it is literal; when you're crying as much as I've been, the world tends to appear like it's all underwater. The other half is emotional; it's hard to keep your head on straight when you have so many things weighing it down. 

My boyfriend, Jesse, is something of a Renaissance Man. He will go anywhere to explore a new place or visit perfectly good old ones. He loves to make things, from worn-for-two-days bracelets, to unique necklaces, to full blown arrow quivers. His smile is warm and always ready and he almost quite literally radiates goodwill and happiness, like some sort of nuclear power plant...without all the mutations. 

He left for Costa Rica and won't be back until December. Damn the luck, eh?

I'm unspeakably excited for Jesse because he'll probably get to do and see more in 5 months down in Costa Rica than most people get to do in years. At the same time though, here in my little slice of the world of Northern Kentucky, it's as if the sun has decided to take a rather long hibernation. After only 5 days, I miss him...a lot. I often wonder if he thinks of and misses me as much as I do him.

However, he's only part of the reason my world has been lost at sea these past few days. The larger and more devastating reason is because of my nephew, Gabriel, who passed away on the 17th.  He was only two years old and was a punk. A cute punk. He was the sort of child to scream and jump up and down and play all day and climb everything, all endless energy. He probably got it all from siphoning it from those closest to him. He was a handful. But even as he sucked out all that hard earned sleep you worked for at night, he always managed to easily steal a smile from your lips. The day it happened, it seemed like everyone was at the hospital. With as many people that were there at the hospital, you think it would have been really quite boisterous. It wasn't. It's hard to hear much when you're screaming and crying, and when you've stopped only to breathe, reality is buzzing in your ear, forcing you to struggle to hear anything. 

He looked awful in that hospital bed. It will forever be a vision of horror and pain.

Today was a little better. It was Gabriel's private open casket. Risking the chance of sounding like I'm grasping at straws, he looked better. He looked cute, dressed in his favorite clothes and wearing his superhero cap. He had makeup on to give his skin a warm, living tone. 

I allowed the illusion to trick me for a few minutes.

  My mom told me he even had 'big boy' underwear on. She was going to start potty training him next month. She looked a like an old painting by a master artist, beautiful under all the wear and tear and effects of time. 

Tomorrow is the funeral. I'd like to say that I've gotten most of my crying out, but another day, another tear, I guess. On top of all of this sadness, I can't get a hold of Jesse and he usually calls me at about 8 o'clock his time, 10'o clock, mine. I know he's probably just out while the night is still young, maybe exploring, or doing something with his fellow international students, or even getting a bite to eat with his host family. It's still difficult. 

I miss him a lot. I miss Gabe a lot.

People say time heals all wounds.

One will heal in 5 months.

The other, well, I can't conceive when this wound will heal, if at all.

There's another age old saying that only time will tell.