Broken Statuette

    Jesse and I just got off the phone. We had an unpleasant conversation to be sure. No hostile words, yelling, or anything of the like. Simply put, I let my emotions get the better of me.
    If you know me at all, you'll know that I'm not an overly emotional person. Hell, I'm not even a regularly emotional person.
    If I were a product being advertised, I'd have about two or three general features that the guy trying to sell me would yell about obnoxiously from the TV. He would shout about my overall happy and willing personality. Then he would practically scream in faux excitement about my ability to become easily irritated, and my even greater ability to reign it in. Finally, as some busty blonde runs her perfectly polished fingernails across me giving her best 'buy this shit' smile to the viewers, the advertiser would seem as if he is having a small seizure while telling everyone how calm and collected I tend to stay. With that, calls from buyers start flooding in... However, I'm not so sure it's not because of the busty blonde.

    What I'm trying to tell you with my rather lengthy and ridiculous metaphor is that there is a whole spectrum of emotions I don't often feel. Or at least I didn't. Once I started dating Jesse though, that all changed. In the past five months, I've felt unutterable happiness, crushing fear, petty jealousy, harmonious contentment. I've laughed uncontrollably from happiness, but I've cried a lot too... At least for me. For a long stretch of my life and for several reasons I won't go into, I allowed myself to feel nothing but rage.
    I was a statue bleeding from the eyes, frozen in time.
    Finally, I allowed myself to move past my problems and be happy. I don't think I would have gotten through my anger how I had without my friends.
    When I began dating Jesse, I started to feel even more and it scared me... A lot.
    The night I finally told Jesse that I loved him, I cried and was barely able to talk. Laugh if you want, but it's not for the reasons you're probably thinking. I wasn't trying to make my life a movie or be melodramatic. Inside me was a struggle between equal parts elation for what I was able to feel for Jesse, and the other, debilitating fear for the very same reason.
    Huh, you ask?
    I was so afraid to trust him. I wasn't entirely sure I knew how. I had always believed that the people that you care for and love the most are also the ones that can cause you the most pain. That is a major reason I never allowed anyone to get too close to me or trust them with any information about myself that is truly important. Even today, I struggle to trust people, but I try.Trust is a house of cards that takes a reliable and steady hand to build.
    But, as you can surely guess, I succumbed and allowed that blossoming warmth of elation and love and trust to win the struggle within. I told Jesse, "I love you." Embarrassingly, I continued to cry while he held me close. Then we went back to Rosie's, where her and Chelsea accused us of being late because we were busy 'doing it', which was funny. They still have no clue.
 

    Today, while Jesse and I talked, I cried and told him how I worry about him often and how I think it is at least part of the reason I feel queasy at times. I know, it sounds crazy. Believe me I know; I hate it, but it's not something I can control. Because of my past, sometimes I think myself immensely stupid about crying and feeling worried or getting upset. I feel like Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde. Dr. J logically tells Mr. H all the reasons he's overreacting and Mr. H feels like a whiny doofus.

But, even after Jesse and I have undesirable conversations that make us both feel a lot of different things, most of the time, I feel better afterwards. I know that, despite all that was said, I was honest and was able to talk to him and vice versa.
    I know I made the right decision in trusting him.
   

Vesuvius Love

    A striking thought came to me today. It raises a question that may not be particularly important, but still curious all the same.
    Before Jesse left for Costa Rica we had many discussions on our relationship, many of them neither fun, or comfortable. We both had different fears and concerns. The most prominent of mine was that of fidelity, faithfulness.
    Before you start developing any of your own ideas on Jesse's moral character, stop. The fears were not founded in anything so dramatic as him cheating on me or being generally untrustworthy. A lot of it was unfounded and baseless, or concerns about some kind of inebriated hookup while he was abroad because, well, Jesse's pretty and he does love a glass of wine on occasion... or a few. The main thought that my fears always perched upon and scoffed at me from was that Jesse cheated on his first boyfriend, nearly four years ago.
    That was a long time ago and Jesse is a different person than he was when he took those first steps into college life. I now realize it's not a fear based on any real ground, and not fair to hold someone accountable in the present of something they may have done in their past. (Except maybe murder or something... Shut up, and don't try to play Devil's Advocate with me; just read my damn blog).
    We talked the subject to death while we were in New Orleans. There was quite a bit of tension between us, on and off. We finally worked out a sort of armistice with our relationship fears and agreed to trust one another. We said that we would be honest with one another and I could tell he meant it.
    What else can a guy ask for?
    About four days into his trip to Costa Rica, he told me that he briefly talked to a guy he was pretty sure was gay, just some guy from another international group. Fine, right? Well, he told me that the guy reminded him of his first boyfriend, in mannerism and speech. He told me it was a short and insignificant exchange.
     Surprisingly, I was angry.
     I'm calm and pretty rational very nearly all of the time. In this specific instance though, I barely contained all of the things that were warring with one another inside of me: Raging anger, a self-consciousness little boy, a desperate hopelessness, a weary sadness, a bleating little voice of accusation, and underneath it all, deep admonishment for feeling all of those things in the first place.
    I now know, that for Jesse, it was merely something he was telling me about to make me feel a confidence in him, a shining example of his ability to handle a potentially undesirable situation. It was the perfect chance to show me that he could trust me. At the time though, I didn't see it with the clarity I do now. Instead, I cried and he had to reassure me that it was nothing- Everything was fine.
    Although, it doesn't excuse my feelings, in my defense, I was having a bad week.

    Nearly four weeks Jesse's been gone now and since that night, I've not felt any of those things. Something has illuminated inside of me and made me light in step and mind. I know now that Jesse will return in four months and we will be together again. I have nothing to fear.
    Today, as Jesse and I were talking over Skype, I heard a voice interrupt him and have a quick, minute or so exchange with him. Jesse told him that he was talking to me, his boyfriend. The guy sounded surprised. At first I thought it was someone from his international group, but quickly guessed otherwise. It was the guy from before.
     And you know what? I don't mind. It doesn't bother me the way it did before, or give me nightmares, or make me feel nauseous. Sure, it's not an ideal situation, and I definitely would not have liked if the guy had been flirting with Jesse, but not because I distrust Jesse. Merely, who likes it when a stranger flirts with your boyfriend or girlfriend, am I right?
    But this time, I had to reassure Jesse, not the other way around. I had to tell him that I trust him and that he needs to believe that to be true. Once we moved past his worries, we talked about other things like Furbies, ants, and our classes and what we will share with each other from them when we next see one another. It was wonderful, that surety and feeling of contentment. Like I said before, I feel light.

    I say all of this to lead up to the thought that I've pondered on today: As quickly and easily as you could say 'Banana Nut Muffin' I could go out and cheat and do whatever I wish, with whomever I wish... Well, with a lot of people at least.
    But I won't.
    And Jesse knows that. 
    But more than that, he knows it and always has. He knows it like he knows that breathing is vital to living, or that the sky is blue. The issue of my fidelity, from the very beginning, is a topic that has never been questioned, never brought into accusation, and has never been worried about.
     He has simply, unquestionably, trusted me without a second thought.

    However, it took me a long time to reach that feeling of contentment and confidence. 
    So, what does that say about me? And him? Maybe even both of us.
    Am I really so good that Jesse and everyone else can trust me so unfalteringly?
    It wasn't fair to him that he has so much faith in me and I was always plagued with doubts and worries.

    For someone that feels that many people trust me, I in turn don't trust others willingly or easily.
    And maybe that should change.

    I've heard many people say, my eldest brother included, that, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
    You know what I say? That's bullshit.
    People can change and grow and love. Jesse's proof of that.
    He has loved me and has trusted me from Day 1 with Vesuvius love. He's given me his all.